Of this, I am sure.
Living a life of insecurity, I have never been sure of much at all. For years, I felt like my unstoppable imagination placed chartreuse-colored glasses squarely over my eyes. They shaded my life in an eerie, distorted light so that things that others might consider obvious and true, I do not count on. But there are two things that I am sure of, beyond a shadow of a doubt. And for these, I am thankful.
The first is that God will be with me throughout my journeys of parenthood. The day Jeff and I found out we were pregnant with our first child, I was an intern in my last year of my doctoral program. We had just moved back to Washington state because I was not emotionally stable enough to live in Arizona for the remaining year of the program. As a newly married couple away from family and friends, we had had a trying couple of years. It happened during the first of the four internships required to complete my degree. That morning, I took a test. I had always wanted to have a baby but the timing was awful. I cried. Driving to my internship, my husband in the car in front of me, my "what if" imagination starting spinning wild when I looked up to see a double rainbow, beautifully calm in the sky above me. It was a symbol of God's promise, personal & perfect. He was there. He would always be with me. And I was sure.
The second is God's calling for my family & me to serve His children in Japan. This one all started in the quiet of the middle of the night, just Jeff's slumbering breath to mark the passing seconds. I had just had my second baby only a few months earlier but lay awake wrestling with how to love more than one child. With Mason, it was easy. The pregnancy was brutal but once I looked into that sweet little face, he grabbed hold of my heart. I adored both him and my newfound motherhood. With Kaili, however, it was different. She was just as adorable, just as sweet and lovable but this time I already had a child. My heart was not expanding to encompass her as everyone said it would. It's awful. I know. I'm ashamed to say. But it's the truth and I wanted to tear my heart out and scream at God for it. That night, God met me. He met me right where I was and He shed light onto my controlling and self-centered heart. I realized that I wanted to control and ultimately take credit for the amazing child that God gave us, and that I didn't think I had enough energy and time to do the same for two children. But that was never God's intention. Exposure, as uncomfortable as it was, led me to humility, that I have no control at all in my children's lives or decisions. All I can do is love and guide them in patience and ask God to work in them. Once I gave my children back to their Father, God said it was time to go. First, it was time to go into full-time ministry. Then it was time to move to Japan.
But everything exposed by the light becomes visible - and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. Eph 5:13
Since then God has only confirmed our calling to Japan, both to me and to my husband and family. He is calling us. I know it. I am sure. God is calling us there. And we will go. God's will be done on earth as it is in heaven. This is His will and He will provide. Of this,
I am sure.
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